PURPLE MOURNING - Prince Taught Me How To Grieve Through Him, Not For Him

One early lesson Prince taught me was how to grieve alone, through his music. Now that he's gone, the same songs that brought me comfort in dark and sad moments are now painful reminders of what a huge loss his passing has brought into my life. This "Purple Mourning" explains how Prince first brought solace into my life.

Prince during the Lovesexy tour

In 1987 I was just a young 12 year old kid who had (or felt like) lost everything and nearly everyone that was core value to me because I spoke out about the wrongful actions of an adult family friend. In my family, kids were to be seen and not heard. When I spoke out, rather than the adults listening to me, I was labelled a liar, with even my own mother deserting me, and banished far so I couldn't be heard. It's fair to say I was pretty fucked up, very lonely and grieving, not over a death but for everything I had lost. Fast forward to the Autumn of 1988 when Prince's second single from his 'Lovesexy' album, "I Wish U Heaven" hit the UK charts and I found my Purple healing.

I Wish U Heaven (single)

I think it's fair to say I drove my new teachers and school friends along with my maternal grandparents (with whom I was then living with) pretty crazy with my wailing falsetto and re-enacting Cat Glover and Sheila E's dance moves from the video at every given moment. After buying the Lovesexy album on cassette and throughout my first listen, I was taken on a musically uplifting and spiritual purple journey that allowed me to release all that pent up anger, frustration and loss that was screwing me up inside. I remember letting out some heavy sobs as I soaked up the experience through my personal stereo and tingling with a euphoric delight as guitar riffs and synths lifted me out of the black hole I was drowning in. When Prince sang "Have you ever been so lonely that you felt like you are the only one in this world?" on the intro to Anna Steisa, I knew he was talking to me and when he reached the outro "Love is God, God is Love, Girls and Boys Love God Above" with tears and snot running down my face, a feeling which I can't describe, let me know I was going to be OK. I was gonna make it through this Bullshit and Prince was going to guide me.

On cassette, Anna Steisa is the last track of Side 1. Side 2 was a whole 'nother experience and then some, but on that Friday Autumn afternoon in 1988, I learned the true power of music and I learned that I was tough enough to grieve alone. I didn't need the warm words of support or cuddles and comfort from the family that had abandoned me. I just needed to place my faith in Prince and God and I could overcome anything, and that's the way it's been since. Although I've reunited with some of my estranged family members as an adult and I have a close knit of friends, whenever I've needed solace in bad times or the death of a loved one, I've grieved alone with my Prince music.

Prince and his '3rd Eye'

When Prince left this world on 21^st April, I became that lost and lonely 12 year old again. Seeing images of him and video clips on the news were heart wrenching enough, listening to his music was just too unbearable to even consider. It didn't help that the piano sequence of Purple Rain that was used in the film kept playing through my head, over and over again for days as I tried to deal with the shock of losing my own 'personal Jesus'. Almost three months on and I'm still struggling... Hard. For almost 28 years Prince and his music has been the most consistent presence in my shitty life. In his music I had a safe and magical home. His lyrics have inspired me over the years, guided me, taught me so much about life, love and relationships as well as giving me a funky escapade to shake off the blues and dance them away. Knowing he was here, still making great music and sharing his wisdom made every tough day and moment easier. Of course, I knew he had to depart this life one day, as we all do, but I wasn't expecting it so soon or so sudden. The imprint of his Purple Majesticness will never leave me, nor do I ever want it to, but I have to learn how to heal again without him and soon. Walking around with this heavy heart, the loss of appetite and the lack of sleep is taking its toll on me.

Although she understands that I'm upset, my youngest child can't quite grasp how deeply Prince's death has affected me. I hope she never knows, I told her. At 12 years old, she's at the same age I was when my life fell apart and had, nor trusted anyone. Had I not found that comfort in Prince, God knows how my life would've turned out, or if I'd still even be here and I will forever be grateful that God paved that path that connected me to him.  I just wish I'd had the chance to thank Prince too.

DAMW